Story Time - Part I

I love Friday's.  Good time to hear TCY's stories, which may seem outlandish for the regular mild mannered human but for TCY, it's a regular part of life.

    

Have you ever had an in-law live with you? Well, I had a mother-in-law stay with me for awhile. Now, I’ve always tried to be a nice guy whenever possible. My mother-in-law came to me weighing in at about 270lbs,  she stood about 5’7”  which means she was as tall as she was round.  The amount of pills this woman took would fill most people up. It could actually count as one of the 3 meals for a day.  So I decided that I would help this woman loose weight, after all I was the one feeding her. I offered up several different diet plans including the Just Shut Your Fuckin Mouth Method You Cow!  I guess after all the ribbing, she came around and started eating smaller portions. We were able to put the serving platter away in reserve for the holidays and she started eating out of a small dessert dish. I thought for sure she would start loosing weight like crazy. Unfortunately this did not happen. I began to see strange things. I saw fork marks in the ice cream. I asked about the strange finding and my bubble-butted in-law told me she thought it was one of the boys. So I went to the boys and told them that this was disgusting and to never do it again. They swore they hadn’t done it. Of course, boys always say they didn’t do it, no matter what.  I had to apologize to those boys because two weeks later I awoke in the middle of the night and needed a drink of water. I went into the kitchen and when I flipped on the light, what did my wondrous eyes see? 270 LBS OF ASS sticking out of the refrigerator! The porky bitch nearly busted her head trying to get her face out of the leftovers. I was shocked. I yelled,  “THAT’S IT!! THAT’S WHY YOU’RE NOT LOOSING WEIGHT! YOU’RE A FUCKIN COCKA-ROACH! YOU COME OUT TO FEED AT NIGHT, JUST LIKE A COCKA-ROACH!!!!  The wife woke up and ran to see what was going on and told her,”YOUR MOTHER’S A COCKA-ROACH!!! And I think SHE’S FORKING THE ICE CREAM TOO!!!

I will share more stories later.

-TCY

     I love when Northern Yankee men get upset about something when they are not expecting it.  Sort of like when Tony Soprano flips shit over something stupid but the only difference is TCY doesn't carry a concealed weapons...I think. You know the look, they turn red in the face, that vein on their neck or the one on the forehead starts to stick out, the heavy breathing kicks in and soon enough something gets thrown.  I am also pretty sure TCY doesn't have the connections to make someone disappear with one phone call, but then again he is from the land of the Yankee's and we all know that all Yankee's are in the mob.     

~Ode to the Working Class Hero~

     I really hate it when TCY actually brings up a good point.  It is hard to swallow it when he brings up valid points about some major problems in our country.  Some things TCY says, you can just put in a dumpster in the back of your head and never have to think about it again, but with taxes, welfare and political bullshit, you can't dump it because it is everywhere you fucking go!!!  Turn on the television, go for a drive through your town or go online.  Everywhere are people on welfare with better cell phones than mine, and I pay for my phone and service because I work.  I drive a car older than a decade, and i can go to the welfare office and find Escalades, Lexus', Suburbans, Mustangs, Chargers and every other car that is newer, more pricey and overall better.  So either those on welfare are rollin with style or the employees in the welfare office are getting paid very well to put up with the shit that goes on in that office.  At the grocery store, I don't buy carbonated beverages, not because i don't like them, but because they are damn expensive!  Yet, food stamps buys Coke, Pepsi, Mtn Dew and other delicious carbonated beverages while I drink flavored water I mix at home with water from my sink.  So, I just need to go to work, go home and not turn on the television, turn on the radio, read a newspaper, go to the grocery store or anywhere I might see what is actually happening to our government or because of our government and i will be fine and fuckin dandy!!!  Anyway, let me show you what TCY has to say on this subject...

 

Things are so backward in America.  There is truth in lending laws and truth in advertisement laws, you’re even suppose to be truthful to your spouse. However!!!! These Damn politicians can lie their asses off and it is perfectly legal!! I’m not talking about a difference in opinion, which is expected. I’m talking about doctoring video clips, lying about voting records and most importantly, lying about what their plans are for you and me.

If one of these goobers promise’s to lower your taxes and then don’t, we should be able to sue them, just as if a company lied about their product!!!

The one that really got my blood boiling is when Clinton actually said that he would cut our taxes but “He couldn’t afford it.” WHAT!?!?  A politician can’t afford to cut taxes. When was the last time a politician ever asked you if you could afford a tax hike?  Get ready; taxes are about to go through the roof. Until we all collectively tell Washington to stop spending and cut the government hand outs, we hard working tax payers will continue to be called on to hand over more and more of our money to give to the couch sitting, bon bon eating social leeches!

If I go by a section 8 housing complex, I always find satellite dishes, plenty of people talking on cell phones, phones that we tax payer gave them, so they could call 911 to carry their pitiful asses to the hospital, that we pay for so they can continue to live and to continue to take our fucking money out of our pockets!!!  I think if you can afford satellite, you don’t get to take money from taxpayers to buy food.  If you have a car with $1600.00 rims, you don’t need money from a taxpayer.  If you have more than one baby while on the taxpayers tit… YOUR OUTTA HERE FOR EVER!!!

Tell me, if one has to take a test to drive a car or take a test to go to the next grade in school, why do we allow just anybody to have babies?? Shouldn’t there be minimum requirements for such a major decision. Hey I didn’t get the ass, so why do I have to pay for the kid? And besides, think about the gene pool we are passing down to the next generation. Talk about the dummying down of America!  The ones that are having the most children have the least amount of class time!!!

Think about it next week.

Fight back

- TCY

R.I.P.

Well, TCY has finally shocked me.  I knew he has some distorted views that didn't quite match up with the rest of society but after reading this and hearing parts of it a few times before, I have to say I don't see eye to eye with him, I don't agree with his point he is trying to make and can truly see that there is no question of a doubt that he should have sought out psychiatric help years ago so there could have been a chance to make him conform with the rest of society instead of being that black fly in society's glass of white wine!

Here it is, enjoy!

I have heard that people talk to dead people. I must admit that the dead people thing is one of those things that most people par take in that I don’t understand.  I have left strict instructions that nobody that has not visited me when I was alive is to be allowed to visit me when I’m dead!  The time to spend time and money on someone is when they’re still breathing. Once someone kicks the oxygen habit, I’m done with them.  I’m not visiting, talking or spending money on anyone feeding worms.

Undertakers are some of the biggest cons on the face of the earth! They use people’s hurts and emotions to suck every dime they can muster. Why does someone need a vault to put a casket in? Ok, some states have laws, but those are bogus too!  We have buried people in the ground for centuries without any vaults! Damn it! And who’d a thunk it, there are still people breathing!  The casket is where they really get you. They act as though if you’re not buying the gold handled, velvet lined, air freshened deluxe decay crate, that you don’t care. If there is a bloodsucker, that’s where they’re at!

Then the flowers. Oh My God!! Go spend $50.00 on nice smelling pretty flowers for someone who can’t smell or see them. Man if you did that to a living person somebody would punch you in the mouth for being such an insensitive bastard. But the parade of fools rush in to get their flowers to give to the dead guy?  If you want to throw money away, throw it to me.

I was asked once by my grandmother if I had put flowers on my mother’s grave. I had to be honest. I said Hell NO!  She just don’t appreciate them as much as she use to!

And visiting a grave?!?!  How fucking sick is that??? You want to stand on top of a dead body and pretend to have a conversation? Damn it man….

Spend you time and your money on the living, give respect while one can appreciate it, and get your head out of your ass’s.  Let the dead rest in peace! Leave them the hell alone.

-TCY

Well, there it is.  TCY's distorted take on what should be done when someone passes on.  When I do in fact die, I want a giant party. I want a live rock band, full bar and good food.  I know some people will be sad to see me go, but let it be a celebration that the world can run a little more normal now that I am gone.  After all, I am the one who has released the monster known as The Crankee Yankee into the World Wide Web. 
     So, I know how I feel about what the monster above has stated, but I want to know if he offended anyone, brought up an interesting point to someone or has brought light on the subject to anyone to where they actually agree with the Northern Nut Job.   Leave a comment so I can see if I am the only one who has lost it or if TCY is the one who has lost it...well you have to have it first before you can lose it. 

"If your goals are nothing, then you'll reach them everytime!"

Age vs. Experience

After reading this, I have to say I am speechless.  I can't believe it but I don't have a comment on this...yet.  

     I love the Lord God and I believe that he doesn’t make any mistakes, which means that I don’t believe that gay’s were mistakenly created in the wrong sex, but that’s a different rant!

    So if God doesn’t make mistakes that means He has a sick sense of humor!

For instance, a male hits his sexual peek when he is 18 yrs old and a female hits her peek at 35 yrs old. This isn’t fair in anybody’s book!  A 18yr old has wood from morning to night and can recover for round 2, 3, 4,  and 5 within 15 min of each other. Yes it was great to be 18 but by the time you make it to 35 yrs old, not only can you not recover so quickly, hell you don’t even want to! Once you’ve ate your fill, you don’t go back to the buffet again and again. That's just being a glutton, which I believe is one of the 7 deadly sins.

     The other thing is when you're 18 you really need the practice, you need to roll 3 or 4 times to finish up the job for your partner. I guess that’s why so many 35 yr old teachers are doing their students!  Makes you wish you were back in school, don’t it? Today’s female aren’t like the females of the 50’s.  Back then it was considered slutty to have an orgasm. I like the way those men had their women thinking.  It sure must have been an easier time.

     Now by the time a man is 35 yrs old,  he’s experienced, he’s got his moves down and  he can play the game pretty much as long as he wants to.  Problem is by the time we’re 35, once is enough!  When you're 35 you realize that the average commercial last 30 to 45 secs and there are only 4 or 5 comercials before the show comes back on, so going longer than 5 mins is really going to screw up your TV watching. There’s nothing worse than missing a crucial part of a movie because your timing was off!

    And as for the women, you all peek at 35 sexually, but you peek in looks at 23. This is a cruel joke. That only leaves you about 10 yrs that anyone,( including the 18 yr olds) would want to touch you. As men age we get distinguished, worldly and we get the occational young hottie that wants an older man for his experience and stamina(oh yeah for the young hotties, the TV is off).  When women get older, they just get older.  Gravity takes hold and hatred slips in for any women under 35 .We can’t even watch TV without the questions, "I bet you want her don’t you?".  Every guy has heard this, and we all lie and say "No baby I just want you." BULL…..Shit! the truth is we want all women.

Which brings me to the 1 wife thing.  In the old testament men could have several wives, if one pissed you off that’s all you had to do is go in the other room.  If one wasn’t putting out, same thing. The spirit of competition must have been awesome.. " Well, Susie let’s me do it that way.   Well if she’s doing it than so can I!"  Talk about heaven on earth, a real life tube steak boogie! "She won’t do it but her sister will". Hear the music?  No extra charge.

Household fighting must have been non-exsisting. What’s to fight about? Problem?… next wife please. No problem. All is good in the world, then God says, "New rules one wife per customer". Come on…… really??? Your joking right? Do you know what only 1 woman means?  God had given women Pussy Power and the world has never been the same since! Now what used to be heaven on earth has turned into maritial HELL… this is why we have bachelor parties. It’s our way of saying this is the last night that the groom will have any say as to when and if he get’s laid.

     The realization kicks in that you buy all pussy!  It’s just a matter of how much you pay. If you're married, the price is HALF!!!! Mother Fucker… just ask any women.

Fight Back!

TCY

Cranky Day for The Crankee Yankee

Let's start this off with a saying I heard yesterday that I have never heard before:
The Crankee Yankee states, "Women are like children, they should be seen and not heard."
     So with that being said, TCY was in an unusually cranky mood today.  He was getting hated on from both ends and getting screwed from the other end.  Not a good day for TCY.  I would seriously hate to be the person who gets in his way today.  He could possibly unleash the Crankee Hulk on someone and it will not be pretty.  YANKEE SMASH!!!

Save the Ta-Ta's!!!!!

Apparently, TCY is a huge football fan and a giant boobie fan!!! I love this guy.  He may seem a little angry sometimes, maybe I can go as far as semi-mentally disturbed, but you can't argue with someone who wants to put Save the Ta-Ta's on the back of football helmets.  So, here is his take on the pussificaton of American Football.

Well,  I am so glad October is almost over. I am a big football fan but the last couple of years I’ve started to hate October in the NFL.  As most of you all are aware October is breast cancer awareness month. OK, fine, I understand and  I get it. But someone please tell me why in the hell a pro football player has to wear PINK to support this cause?  Look, I am a huge fan of breasts, I am a bigger fan of huge breasts!  However I see no valid reason why football players should go around with pink shoes and pink gloves.  Hell I’ve even seen pink mouth pieces!  Tell me how this has helped one woman? Hey lady, I heard you have breast cancer, not to worry though I will wear a pink fuckin bracelet for you. That should make you better.

I believe that having the players wearing pink has had an adverse effect on the game.

Last weekend was a great week of hard bone crushing hits, a fine example of American football right? Oh hell no! Why? Because the son of a bitches in the head office of the NFL said " they were hitting too hard!!!".

Hell yeah… if you force me to wear pink booties on a fuckin football field in front of millions of fans, I believe I would hit the hell out of something too.  Let men be men. If you want the NFL to support breast cancer awareness, I’m good with that. Have the players wear a sticker on the back of their helmets that says " SAVE THE TATA’S".  They would do it wouldn’t they?

It’s not dirty, and men would damn sure understand it and support it!  In my world there is only one thing I want pink…… and I’m a big fan of them too!  Can I get an Amen!  We need to stop the pussification of the American male.  Football is hard hits,broken bones, blood and guts. If you want pussy football it already exist, it’s called soccer damn it. This is where women want to send their little boys because it’s safe… Now there is a good sport to make the so called men wear pink. I can see them with their knee high pink socks and pink shorts.

Fight back and SAVE THE TATA’s!!!

TCY.

So has the NFL changed their name from National Football League to the Notsogreat Fairy League??? I mean I understand if a player is playing dirty and spearing a guy in the back with his helmet, but hitting too fucking hard? Isn't that what pee wee football players are taught from the beginning? Hit Hard?!?!  I don't play football, i don't have a favorite team or even a favorite player but I do like to watch football and watching them crush each other is part of the fun.  Of all the things in the world that should never be part of the Pussification of America,  football is at the top of the fucking list! These guys get paid the big $$$ to knock the shit out of each and give us a good show.  What next, tennis players will have to keep their serves under 75 mph because the other player might get a bruise? Or hockey players are not allowed to wear their skates so they don't cut anyone?

BeggarWeen 2010

The views stated on this section are not the views of this writer.  They have come directly from TCY himself.  In fact, he was so adamant about this, he wrote it up and sent it to me. 

     "Again it is that time of the year when we dress our children in all type of costumes and make up and send them into the streets to par take in a custom know to most as Halloween.

I of course see this in a different light.  I don’t think that the government designed it this way or that anyone or political organization planned this out to be this way. After all I’m not a nut job or conspiracy theorist, but one will have to admit if you will look at this open mindedly that Halloween does teach our children a dangerous lesson.

     We teach them to go to a strangers house and beg them to give them something, something that someone else worked for, and to give it to them for free. I call this the Democratic Boot Camp. This is exactly what the Democrats want. They take what you and I work for and give it to those who have not worked for it.  The difference is the Democrats do this with the help of guns in the hands of IRS agents and other law enforcement agencies.

Now I’m not saying you should keep your kids home on October 31^st , however I would remind them that begging for something that someone else worked for is so wrong under any other circumstance.

     As for me, I live in the south. That means I have to put up with the redneck parade. Every year in my subdivision a constant motorcade of pick ups , station wagons and old sedans roll through with children hanging on to any part of the vehicle they feel can support them. The caravan comes to a stop and a herd of unwashed little beggars come running across my well landscaped lawn as if they were looking for a goal post to tear down. When they get to the top of the stairs some don’t even have on costumes!  The little ones I let get away with it, but if they are 12 yrs or above I will ask what their costume is. Then they will tell me that they, "Just want candy!".  Well ain’t that just swell, I want a corvette and a 29 yr old blonde bomb shell, I guess we’ll both just wait here until the fuckin good fairy shows up to give us both what we haven’t worked for. I explain that Beggarween is a contract, you come dressed as a fool and I give you stuff you don’t deserve. So my lazy little bastard, go get a costume and I’ll give you a hand full of Bubble King bubble gum. This is great stuff, the hardest gum you’ll ever bite into, the flavor last for all of 3 mins. and cost $3.00 a gross. Yup, that’s what I give the little bastards.

Happy Beggarween

TCY…"

Well, I have to say that I have heard of a few different theories on Halloween and Valentine's Day and even Christmas, but this one is unique.  But I wouldn't expect anything less from TCY! Maybe I will have to take a nice Sunday driver up to his house this Halloween and see what sort of greeting I get when i knock on the door and say, "Trick or Treat Bitch!"  If he shuns me away, then i might have to fight back.  I have been told that his yard is full of land mines left from his Uga wannabe mutt. Maybe gathering them up and putting them in a brown bag I got from my Kroger when i used my food stamps to buy some Big K Cola would get him goin?

HAPPY HALLOWEEN CRANKEE YANKEE!!!

Food Stamps for the Non-Deserving

Well, this is just too easy when TCY just gives it to me like this.   Below is from the man himself.

     "We here in the good ole USA find it in our hearts to want to take care of the less fortunate people among us by giving them certain compensations for being so dam incompetent. One of those compensations is the food stamp.

The thought of helping feed those who have fallen on hard times is a basic human desire, and it is commendable. However!!!! Never under estimate the willingness of the welfare citizens of the US. to bite the hand that deeds it.

They just don’t want to be fed, but to be fed damn good. I’ve seen the big T-bone steaks and the occasional lobster not to mention candy, soda, mother-fuckin Twinkies and so on. These big fat hoards of human debris fill the check out lines at any grocery store you visit. Do you think I’m lying? When is the last time you saw a skinny welfare recipient ? THEY DON’T EXIST!!!!!!

Have you ever tried to confront dregs of society about their flamboyant food purchases, they’ll fight for their "right" to buy what they want with "their" stamps.

We are so good to these social leeches that we OVER feed the fat SOBS to the point of making them unhealthy. OH, that’s right unhealthily fat, lazy and nothing but a constant drain on society.

And then they’ll tell us hard working tax payers that we will now have to pay the doctor bills that being fat slobs have caused.

Recently there has been talk about taking soda off the list of things that can be bought on food stamps, I say instead let’s come up with a list of what you can buy. Here is such a list:

• Hamburger--- not steak, if I can’t afford to buy it for myself I damn sure can’t afford to buy it for them.

• Chicken

• Lunch meat---not that they are going to work and will need a lunch

• Spaghetti
• Vegetables
• Fruit juices
• Rice

　If they want sea food let them go and catch it. They have all day…

No precooked meals—their not working, they have time to prepare their own meals

No sweets whatsoever—if they want to be fat, work for it like the rest of us lard assess

If you let these people have everything that a working person has why would they want to go to work?

And if you continue to let them get FAT on the taxpayer, the fat sobs will continue to be un- hireable.

I want to get in a check out line and for once have better food in my buggy than the fat fucks I’m forced by a government gun to support. Think of how much fun you could have showing off all the stuff in your buggy that’s not on their list of food you can buy on stamps. I want to dangle my Twinkies right in their big fat faces. Hey, I bet you’d be able to trade some Twinkies for sex in some neighborhoods.

Fight back!"

-The Crankee Yankee

When TCY wants to say something, he does.  There is no holding him back.

Another Case of the Monday's

Quote's from The Crankee Yankee -

 "If you were a man, I would hit you so fucking hard!"



"For something cute, she sure is a bitch."

October 15, 2010

Welcome,
     This is a blog just dedicated to our local Crankee Yankee. The Crankee Yankee always keeps us amused in the office with his stories, his reactions to other people, his unique people skills and just having him in the office in general. Now, a  little about The Crankee Yankee(TCY).  TCY is originally from Rhode Island.  He now resides in Georgia, about 70 miles north of Atlanta.  He has a temper, but has mellowed in the years that I have known him.  He loves his country, but not his government.  He is a die hard Harley man.  Loves to fish and work in his vegetable garden.  CY gets bothered, easily I must add,  by stupidity, annoying people, places, things and anything that disagrees with his opinions, beliefs or his version of the truth.
     Hope you enjoy this as much as I enjoy working with TCY!