You're just funny, it's... funny, the way you tell the story and everything.

     Just some jokes I heard from TCY and some of our other readers.  Sometimes you just need a good laugh, even if it is a sexist, mean, racist or non-politically correct joke. Enjoy!  Let's see how many titles I can get from one scene of Goodfellas to represent these jokes.

 

The Husband Store

A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City , where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs

She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'

So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.

'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.

'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.   

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

PLEASE NOTE:

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.

Floor 1 -  has wives that love sex.

Floor 2 -  has wives that love sex and have money and like beer.
The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.

Tarzan

Tarzan leaves the jungle, comes to civilization, and applies for a job
.
Interviewer: "Name?"

Tarzan: "Me, Tarzan."

Interviewer: "Married?"

Tarzan: "Wife, Jane."

Interviewer: "Children?"

Tarzan: "Son, boy."

Interviewer: "Anything else to your name besides Tarzan?"

Tarzan: "Tarzan, King of the Jungle."

Interviewer: "Jane's Whole Name?"

Tarzan: "Jane's Hole named Pussy." 

Alabama Girl

A teacher asks an Alabama redneck girl to use “handsome” in a sentence. She says, “When I’m giving head and my jaw gets sore, I use my handsome.”

Essays on Love and Sex:

Females wrote :

When two mature people are passionately and deeply in love with one another to a

high degree and that they respect each other very much, then, it is spiritually

and morally acceptable to the society that they both engage themselves in the

act of physical sex with one another.

Men wrote :

I love sex

Where babies come from…

A teenage girl come home from school and asks her mother,

"Is it true what Rita just told me?"

"What's that?" asks her mother.

"That babies come out of the same place where boys put their penises?

" said her daughter.

"Yes it is dear!" replies her mother, pleased that the subject had finally come

up and that

she wouldn't have to explain it to her daughter.

"But then, when I have a baby," responded the teenager, "won't it knock my teeth

out?"

“FUCK”

FUCK: Our most versatile word. By its stress and inflection it can

describe many emotions; no other word can be used with so many

grammatical nuances. It can be used as a moun (I don't give a fuck), as

an adjective (It's a fucking beauty), as a verb it is transitive form (the

game was fucked by the weather), and its intransitive form (he well and

truly fucked it up), in the past tense (I was fucked, in the present

tense (I am fucked) and in the future tense (I'll be fucked). Many

everyday expressions show its true versatility:

Denial....................I didn't fucking do it.

Perplexity................I know fuck-all about it.

Apathy....................Who gives a fuck anyway.

Greetings.................How the fuck are you.

Resignation...............Oh fuck it.

Derision..................He fuck's everything up.

Suspicion.................Who the fuck are you.

Panic.....................Let's get the fuck out of here.

The word has been used by some very notable people throughout history,

the more well known being.

"What the fuck was that"........................Mayor of Hiroshima

"Look at all those fucking Indians".............General Custer

"Where the fuck's all the water coming from"....Captain of the Titanic

"That's not a fucking gun"......................John Lennon

"The fucking throttle's stuck!".................Geoff Back

"Sleep, who needs fucking sleep ?"..............Geoff Back

"Reading, its only fucking 60 miles away !".....Geoff Back

"Where the fuck did that central reservation

come from ???"...........................Geoff Back

"Who's going to fucking know"...................President Nixon

"Head's are going to fucking roll"..............Anne Boleyn

"Who let that fucking woman drive"..............Space shuttle captain

"Watch him, he'll have some fucker's eye out"...King Harold

"I thought I could smell fucking petrol"........Nikki lauda

"What fucking map"..............................Mark Thatcher

"She's just a fucking secretary"................Cecil Parkinson

"Any fucker can understand that"................Einstein

"It fucking looks like her".....................Picasso

"What fucking log"..............................Richard Branson

"What the fuck do you mean I'm forever

blowing bubbles"........................Michael Jackson

"How the fuck do you work that out".............Pythagorus

"You want what on the fucking ceiling"..........Michaelangelo

"Fuck-a-duck"...................................Walt Disney

"Why ? - because its fucking there".............Edmund Hilary

"I didn't want to fucking go anyway"............Seb Coe

"Just a fucking wall"...........................Peter Elliot

"I don't suppose its fucking raining"...........Joan of Arc

"What a way to make a fucking living"...........Cynthia Payne

"Who gives a fuck what its name is".............Elizabeth II

"I haven't got a fucking clue"..................Miss Marple

"Scattered showers my fucking arse".............Noah

"Armada, what the fuck is an armada"............Sir Francis Drake

Be Strong

A prisoner escapes from his California prison where he had been kept for 15 years.

As he runs away, he finds a house and breaks into it.  He finds a young couple in bed. He gets the guy out of bed, ties him up on a chair,

ties up the woman to the bed and starts kissing her on the neck, then gets up,

and goes to the bathroom. While he is there, the husband tells his wife:

"Listen, this guy is a prisoner, look at his clothes!  He probably spent a lot of time in prison, and has not seen a woman in years.  I saw the way he kissed your neck.  If he wants to go all the way, don't resist, don't complain, just do what he tells you, give him satisfaction.

This guy must be dangerous, if he gets angry, he will kill us.  Be strong, honey.

I love you" To which the wife responds, "He was not kissing my neck.

He was whispering in my ear.  He told me that he found you very sexy,  and asked if we kept any Vaseline in the bathroom.

Be strong, honey. I love you too...

Thought this was appropriate, especially for the "Fuck" joke above.  What would Carlin say about the world today if he were still alive?